Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Semen is not good for contacts.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
