you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
