i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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