Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
