??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
