I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
