dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
