Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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