You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
