My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
