I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
