the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Randomize
