my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
