Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
