did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize