I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
