i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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