So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
