If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
