i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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