it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm like, not good at living.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
