sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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