yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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