All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
