Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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