Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
