I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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