he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
