I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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