these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
