I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
