don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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