Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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