new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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