I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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