So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
