I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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