Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
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