There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Enjoy the penises
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
