Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
