When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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