he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
