the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
