Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I wish my penis had an off switch
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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