I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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