Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
