In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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