but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize