About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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