So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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