watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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