He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
