mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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