so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
