That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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