do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
