wakey wakey hands off snakey
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
