wakey wakey hands off snakey
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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