i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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