I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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